What If
by luluhrh
Summary: I FOUND LE CRACK STASH! So basically, it's random situations that make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! The characters are OOC for a reason! Drabbles. Funny. Rated T because of cursing and really weird situations. Might include stuff from 2003 anime as well as Brotherhood. ENJOY MY FRIENDLINGS! Love ya! lulu
1. Short

**Okay, so I am just going to say right now that this is total crack. I'm just going to write a bunch of short drabbles, all in third person, all random, and all beginning with, "What If. . ."**

**Why? Well, because I said so. Besides, it'll be fun. And funny! Trust me, it'll be funny.**

**Quick point to be made: all of these "What Ifs" are occurring as if all of the other characters have known the normal versions of these characters, and it is only today that the character is acting differently.**

**Disclaimer:**** If I owned FMA. . . I don't know, something good would happen! *gasp of happy realization* I know! Maybe I'll get ownership of FMA for-**

**Ed: You won't get ownership of me for your birthday, Lulu.**

**Me: *sobbing in corner* But it's coming so soon!**

**Ed: No. Let's get this over with.**

**Me: *sniff* Fine.**

_**What If. . . **__Ed didn't mind being called short?_

"Hey, pipsqueak, where are you" Colonel Roy Mustang asked the alchemist on the other side of his desk with a smirk, glancing about in an exaggerated manner.

Ed looked up, disinterested. "Yeah?"

Roy frowned. Then he forced a chuckle. "Oh, _there _you are, Fullmetal! Jeez, it was so hard to see you over all this paperwork!"

. . . No response.

"Which is funny because there _isn't_ much of a stack of paperwork today and I _still_ can't see you."

. . . Nothing.

"Seeing as you're so _short_ and all."

. . . _Nada_.

". . . WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"

"Mustang, could you please get on with it?" Ed asked impatiently.

Roy gaped. "Y-y-you d-didn't react a-a-a-a-at all!" he stuttered.

Ed yawned. "Did you call me here just to make disparaging comments on my height?" he asked in a bored tone.

Roy felt the world as he knew it crumble beneath his feet.

* * *

The next day, he found himself in a hospital room with his subordinates.

"He got you too, huh, Boss?" Havoc said glumly.

"H-h-he d-d-d-d-d-didn't r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-"

"We know, sir. Trust us on that one," Breda interrupted the frantically stuttering Colonel.

"-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-"

BANG! A loud blast issued from Hawkeye's gun. "With all due respect, shut up, sir."

* * *

Roy Mustang wasn't out of therapy for several months.

**_End_**

**LOL, sorry Roy, baby, but we all know you'd never get over that!**

**RFF, mah peoples!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	2. Aim

**Chappie 2!**

**disclaimed right now before you suckers can do a damn thing about it MWAHAHAHAHA**

**Ed: . . . She's finally lost it.**

**Al: I think she lost it a long time ago, Brother. . .**

_**What If. . . **__Hawkeye was a terrible shot?_

The papers on his desk were threatening to tumble to the floor. This pile was worse than the usual one. No doubt it was Fullmetal's fault. That lunatic kid was always causing Roy more work. . . but this was rather ridiculous. The pile was probably taller than Fullmetal himself! Roy glared at it, daring the evil paperwork to cross him today. Today sucked ass. Seriously. He just needed to let off some steam, and a whole damn lot of it, and maybe- MAYBE- he'd survive to see another boring day and be able to let off some more steam another time. Right now, he needed to snap before he exploded. . .

Well, there was always. . . the stack. It _had_ been such a long day. . . the Lieutenant wasn't feeling well. . . maybe she would let him off. . . just this once?

Roy nodded firmly. Of course she would let him off today. There was no question about it!

(This was rather stupid of him, of course. You don't mess with Hawkeye when she isn't feeling good. Still, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!*****)

He was about to set fire to his massive pile of paperwork when-

BANG!

"AUGH! JEEZ GOD DAMMIT FUDGING FLIPPING WEINERSCHNITZEL BULLET OWIE ZAM BAMBOO THROUGH HAND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

Blood gushed out of Roy's injured hand.

* * *

After a moment of confusion ("Wait, was he hit?" "Crap, I think he was!" "You sure that's not just the transmutation circles on his glo- Nope, that's blood!" "To the hospital, men!"), the Colonel was rushed to the hospital. When the Lieutenant arrived, approximately five minutes later, she apologized profusely, before reprimanding Roy with a stern, "You know better than to *cough* try and burn your *sniffle* paperwork when I have a- ACHOO! A cold, sir."

_**End**_

**. . . I couldn't help it. . .**

**I mean, come on! Of course she has a cold! Why else would she miss?**

**. . . To be fair, Ed had no reason for ignoring being called short- *dodges short rant* -but this is Hawkeye! She ALWAYS has a reason!**

**LOL, I really liked writing this!**

***Doctor Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, people! Watch it, Neil Patrick Harris is HILARIOUS, and so is Nathan Fillion! WATCH IT!**

**RFF!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	3. Women

**Hehehehehehehehe. . . I almost feel bad for Havoc.**

**Havoc: What did I do?**

**Me: Nothing, sweetie, I'm just evil.**

**Disclaimed.**

**Roy: . . . That was quick.**

**Me: Shut up, useless.**

**Roy: *growing mushrooms in the corner* Useless. . .**

_**What If. . **__**. **__Havoc was actually good with the ladies?_

Havoc pranced into the room looking like he had swallowed the sun: he practically glowed, exuding confidence.

Roy blinked. "What happened, Havoc?"

Havoc laughed. It sounded melodious and enticing, and Hawkeye perked up at her desk.

"Oh, nothing," he purred, before sending a smirk Riza's way and winking. Roy's eyes narrowed. He'd never heard Havoc sound like _that_. Hell, Havoc had never acted so brash around women, especially not the Lieutenant. And was she. . . _blushing_? It looked and sounded like he had swallowed Roy's seductive voice, adopted Roy's charms, and made both his own, and Roy was having none of it.

"What did you do, Havoc?" he growled.

Havoc grinned. "Nothing, really," he replied mellifluously, smirk widening. "I just have a lunch date with the most gorgeous woman in the world. And after that, I'm meeting a lovely young lady for a casual dinner date. And Colonel," he added, looking maliciously towards Roy, "you know that Jessica girl? The one who was so excited for your date?" He laughed lightly. "Yeah, she's the dinner date."

Roy turned white

and he broke.

"WHAT?!"

* * *

"Sir, you seem to be in therapy quite often these days."

"Havoc stole my date. . ."

"We noticed, sir."

"_He_ stole _my_ date. . ."

"Well, he did look rather nice today, so it's no wonder."

"YOU TOO?!"

"I can't control my hormones, sir."

"But you're MY Lieutenant, Lieutenant! NOT HAVOC'S FOR THE TAKING, YOU HEAR ME! _MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!_"

"With all due respect, you should get over it, sir."

Roy fell to the ground and did not get up for three days.

* * *

"Brother, maybe you shouldn't have controlled your temper that day. You appear to have started something."

"That wasn't my fault, Al! I wasn't in the mood for ranting!"

". . ."

". . . Shut up, Al."

"I didn't say anything, Brother."

"Still!"

"*sigh* I have a feeling this is going to be a really strange year."

"Again, not my fault!"

_**End**_

**LOL, Havoc can't get a date unless it's Rebecca. HAVBEC FOREVAAAAA!~**

**Havoc: What?! That's a thing?!**

**Me: Well, duh.**

**Rebecca: Seriously? I do want to find a man, but I'm not THAT desperate. . .**

**Havoc: HEY!**

**Me: XD I do it for the LOLz.**

**RFF!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	4. Pacifist

**I like this next one. . . heh. Hehe. Ha!**

**Be ready.**

**I don't own MY PRECIOUS-**

**BANG!**

**. . . I don't own FMA.**

**Hawkeye: Correct. *puts gun back in holster***

_**What If. . . **__Envy was a pacifist?_

"Envy, go kill that man, Maes Hughes. He has discovered us and must not be allowed to live. Lust failed in this, so you must complete the task," Father ordered.

Envy looked up at Father, innocent kindness in his violet eyes. "But Father, killing is wrong."

Father blinked. "What?"

"All life is sacred," Envy intoned wanly.

Gluttony tilted his head to the side in confusion and Wrath sent Envy a skeptical look. Father looked ready to explode.

"Envy, you shall do as I say," he thundered firmly. "Kill Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes, or you shall face my wrath!" Wrath nodded, hand on his sword already.

Envy looked up at Father in horror, then ran out, screaming, "NEVER!"

Needless to say, Hughes lived.

* * *

On the Promised Day, Envy could be found leading an army of soulless pacifists through the streets carrying protest boards.

General Armstrong smirked. "That army of soulless immortal soldiers doesn't seem to have worked out for them. That Homunculus appears to have turned them into vegetarian pacifists." She turned away and let out a harsh bark of laughter. "I guess that means my work here is done."

* * *

Edward and Alphonse Elric watched all of this with bemused looks.

Ed stared long and hard at his pocket watch, then turned to Al with a smirk.

"Who knew these things were so good for hypnotism?"

"When did you hypnotize Envy, Brother?!"

"When did I say that?!"

"_Brother_."

". . . Fine, it was AGES ago, and check out how well it worked!"

". . . I can't believe you."

"Fine, don't believe me, believe the scene right in front of you!"

Enter a bastard:

"Wait, you did this Fullmetal?"

". . . Maybe. What are you gonna do about it?"

". . . *sigh* I hate paperwork. . ."

"*snort* That's all? You are getting old, wet match."

*snap* *explosion* *incoherent screaming*

***WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE, BUT IT APPEARS THAT FLAME AND FULLMETAL ARE WREAKING TOO MUCH HAVOC FOR US TO OBSERVE THE SCENE PROPERLY. WE SHALL RESUME FILMING WHEN THE CRATER APPEARS SAFE.***

_**End**_

**Who wouldn't love a pacifist Envy? Come on!**

**Envy: I sure as hell wouldn't!**

**Me: . . . Besides Envy his/herself.**

**Envy: I am a GUY!**

**Me: Sure you are, honey.**

**XD RFF!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	5. Milk

**I have no life outside of this computer. . .**

**Disclaimer:**** NO. NOT MINE. GO AWAY YOU EVIL- *muffled vehement exclamations***

**Ed: *tightens gag* Now, let's begin.**

**Me: *somehow out of gag* Evil beings of darkness. . .**

_**What If. . .**__ Ed liked milk?_

Ed yawned, going to the fridge. "What do you have to drink?" he asked in a bored, completely lifeless tone.

Winry smirked and yawned as well, then mentally cursed yawns for being contagious. After finishing her silent tirade, she replied, "Nothing you'd like, alchemy freak."

"Automail geek!" he tossed back carelessly and without real venom. Then he groaned, thumping his forehead on the fridge door. It was too _early_ for arguing. . .

Suddenly, Ed's whole demeanor changed. His frame stiffened. His eyes widened. His antenna stuck straight up in the air, then wilted as if fainting dead away. His previous inattentive manner evaporated, replaced with someone ready to pounce.

Slowly, with quivering, trembling hands, Ed reached into the depths of the cold and pulled out. . . milk.

Winry gasped. Ed was touching a milk carton. He was touching it. Of his own free will. _God, where's the camera when you need it?!_

Then the unthinkable happened. Something so preposterous that it blew Ed touching the carton _willingly_ right out of the water.

Ed opened the carton. . . and he. . . he. . . he. . . he. . . he. . .

Newly-restored Alphonse jumped in. "Since Winry's brain appears to have short-circuited, I'll tell you what's happening," he informed the viewers while carelessly breaking the fourth wall.

"So Brother is. . . is. . . is. . . is. . . is. . ."

Pinako walked in and rolled her eyes. "Quit being so over dramatic, kids. He's only-" Her pipe hit the ground, having fallen out of her gaping mouth.

I walked in (me, Lulu, the author). "Since everyone's broken, I guess I should tell you that Ed's-" I fainted dead away.

Ed looked up, bemused. "Why are you all staring at me like I'm crazy? Why is Lulu passed out on our floor?" When no one responded, Ed shook his head in amusement. "Seriously, guys. All I did was drink milk."

* * *

Up by the Gate, the Truth's mind was blown for the first time in EVER.

* * *

When Roy and his team heard, they all were knocked out cold for a couple of days. (Except for Riza, who was only out for a couple of hours, and Roy, who was out for a month.)

* * *

The author is still out.

**_End_**

**For the LOLz, peeps. For. The. LOLZ. XD**

**RFF, mah friends! Make me happy!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	6. Knowledge

**I just like writing these. They're. . . therapeutic. You know?**

**DISCLAIMED right of le bat.**

**I happen to be very bored right now. . .**

_**What If. . .**__ Falman didn't know everything?_

It was a normal day at HQ. Roy was groaning about his paperwork (quietly, so his trigger-happy Lieutenant wouldn't hear him) and generally wishing he were elsewhere.

Just then, Falman walked in. Roy decided this was an excellent excuse to stop signing papers (his hand was cramping, too) and start a conversation.

"Falman!" he said imperiously.

Vato Falman snapped into a salute, impeccable as always. "Sir!"

Roy grinned. "What's the capital of Aerugo?"

(Don't blame Roy for being random. All people are random when bored and desperate to get out of doing boring stuff.)

(Besides, they all randomly quizzed Falman sometimes. He knew this stuff through and through.)

Falman frowned. His eyes glazed over. Sweat beaded on his brow and at his hairline.

Havoc, who was watching the show, grinned. "Come on, Falman, we don't have all day!"

"Just say it, Falman," came the groaned addition from Breda (he had a bad headache).

Fuery smiled politely. "I'd like to hear what the capital of Aerugo is," he said softly.

Riza nodded. "Say it so the Colonel can return to work."

Roy frowned, disappointed that his (admittedly awful) plan had failed.

Falman, meanwhile, was growing steadily more distressed. "I. . . I. . ." He looked at his comrades in horror. "I don't remember."

.

.

.

"WHAT?!"

Only Riza managed to avoid passing out from the shock, but she did look rather pale for the next hour or so.

* * *

Al glared at Ed, who was smirking viciously. "What did you do _now_, Brother?"

Ed looked up at the giant suit of armor innocently. "Who, me?"

Al glared.

Ed laughed. "It's just a silly little prank." He smiled as his fingers brushed his pocket watch, his partner in crime. "They'll be fine. . . once they get over the shock. Falman will remember, too."

Al stared suspiciously at his older brother. Something about the way he was fingering the chain from the watch in his pocket didn't settle well with him. . . He shrugged mentally. It was probably nothing. It wasn't like Ed knew how to hypnotize people with that watch or anything. . . THAT would be dangerous.

_**End**_

**LOL, I feel bad for how misinformed Al is. XD**

**RFF, my friends! Then I'll write more!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	7. Abstinence

**. . . I really need something better to do with my time. . .**

***too lazy to write a proper disclaimer***

**Read please! I'll be napping in the corner.**

_**What If. . .**__ Lust was the poster girl for abstinence?_

Father blinked. What. . .

Wrath blinked. The. . .

Envy blinked. Hell. . .

Pride blinked. Is. . .

. . . This?!

Gluttony sat miserably beside Lust, who looked. . . well, different. VERY different. Like, MONUMENTALLY abnormal.

"What have you done, my child?" Father asked, almost completely incapacitated by shock (if his sagging posture was anything to go by).

Lust spun around, fully displaying the EXTREMELY modest outfit she was wearing. She still looked pretty, but the shirt was loose and the skirt was long. To make it worse, it was a little girl style. She looked in no way provocative- the complete opposite of her normal appearance.

"I'm promoting waiting until marriage!" Lust declared firmly. "My name is now Chastity."

. . . "What?"

Envy looked delighted. "Yay!" he squealed, grabbing Chastity by the arm. "Hey, Chastity, wanna help me protest violence?"

Chastity smiled at the excited Sin. "If you'll help me protest against sexual intercourse, then of course I'll help you, Envy."

Envy grinned happily, grabbed Chastity's hand, and dragged her out the door.

The remaining beings in the room stared after the two blankly.

"Something happened to my Lust. . ." Gluttony mumbled in anguish, a tear in his eye.

Father said nothing. He was out.

* * *

Far, far away from the Homunculi, Edward Elric was laughing maniacally. His plan was working! Slowly but surely, all of the Homunculi were falling prey to his pocket watch! He swung the silver timepiece merrily. Ah, the pleasure of slowly taking down the evil people. There was nothing like it!

Alphonse Elric took one look at his hysterical brother and decided that he'd probably be better off not knowing.

I woke up from my nap, looked at the laughing Edward and awkward Alphonse, deduced what had occurred, deemed it unworthy of my attention, and went back to sleep. So what if Ed is a psychopath when it comes to hypnotism? That was my point.

Alphonse noticed that Lulu had appeared in the corner as she sometimes did (there was something off about that girl. . .), reasoned that it was probably her fault, and left the room.

_**End**_

***too lazy for editing***

**I love putting myself into my stories. I've only recently discovered my adoration of breaking the fourth wall, but it's so fun! XD**

**RFF please!**

**Love ya! lulu**


	8. Old

**I'm back on this shiz! And I bring. . . 2003 ANIME STUFF! XD**

**I was thinking about Majahal. . . and yeah. This is the result of thinking about him and his creepiness and his love of nothing but beauty, beauty, beauty and no personality.**

_**What If. . .**__ Majahal was glad that he found his precious Corinne, even if she was old and less beautiful?_

Majahal stared at the old woman with the lovely, beautiful, incredible, perfect blue rose woven into her curly, gray-streaked black hair. "Corinne. . . is it really you?"

Corinne's eyes filled to the brim with tears. "Majahal. . . I've been here all along. . ."

The two stared at one another for an indeterminable amount of time. After a while, Ed started whistling. Loudly. And obnoxiously.

"Brother!" Al hissed.

Ed just whistled louder.

Claus looked distinctly befuddled and rather terrified, as she couldn't exactly see what was going on.

Finally, Majahal broke out of his trance. . . and ran to embrace his beloved. "Corinne!"

Corinne's arms encircled Majahal's thin frame. "Oh, Majahal!"

The two were hugging so tightly, it was a wonder that no bones were being crushed.

Ed (who had stopped whistling) coughed pointedly into his flesh hand.

This caused Majahal and Corinne to move apart- only to smash their lips together in a slobbering, wet, old-people-trying-to-be-teens-again kind of kiss.

Ed and Al immediately turned away. Ed turned green while Alphonse looked- well, about as disturbed as a suit of armor with no ability to display any sort of emotion whatsoever can look upon seeing something like old people Frenching each other.

Al ran to free Claus (while carefully avoiding looking at the sight before him) and Ed struggled to retain his lunch.

When Claus was freed, she turned to give Majahal a piece of her mind- only to promptly barf up her dinner, and lunch, and breakfast, and then just dry heave for a while because it was that disturbing to see two old people smooching. She was only ten, for Truth's sake! She didn't need that kind of image to give her nightmares!

After it became clear that the two would not be parting for air any time soon, Ed, Al, and Claus just. . . left. They didn't need to torture themselves any longer by watching the show.

* * *

Later, Majahal and Corinne would be discovered, near dead from asphyxiation, but clutching one another in a dreamy fashion. They would be carted off to the hospital, and for some reason, Majahal would never be arrested, allowing him to live out his life giving sloppy, old person kisses to his wife, Corinne, who would return them with far too much gusto.

* * *

Ed may have been disgusted by the display he'd seen, but he did a good job of holding down his food as he described the scene- in great detail- to the Colonel for his oral report.

"-and the drool was flying _everywhere_ as they simply _mashed_ their thin, dry, saliva-coated old person lips together-"

Mustang finally lost his cookies at that line, but only after Fuery, Havoc, Falman, and Breda had consecutively lost theirs. Hawkeye, to her credit, lost nothing but the color in her face. She was good at saving things, whether they be a certain superior officer or the spaghetti with meat sauce from the mess hall. A little (WHO ARE YOU CALLING LITTLE?!) story wasn't going to make her throw up.

**_End_**

**LOL. Old people kissing. . . hehehe. I can see Mustang turning green in my mind's eye.**

**Whoa, long chappie today! I was worried about it being too short, but it turns out that the opposite happened! *is proud***

**Anyway, RFF, people! I like reviews!**

**Love ya! lulu**


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